


in the sunlit garden

by makaronik



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: F/F, F/M, Post-Canon, Trans Male Character, Trans Tenjou Utena, magical top surgery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:13:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27105517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makaronik/pseuds/makaronik
Summary: They're healing slowly, but they're gonna be fine.
Relationships: Himemiya Anthy/Tenjou Utena
Comments: 6
Kudos: 6





	in the sunlit garden

**Author's Note:**

> A short post canon fic, written mostly as backstory to the two [fanarts](https://transmalewife.tumblr.com/post/632427906795175936/utena-and-anthys-first-meeting-post-canon-and) i had the idea for while surfing the waves of hyperfixation and insomnia a couple weeks ago. Also how are there no trans Utena fics? I had to fix that.  
> Title is from the opening song

As soon as she stepped outside the gate of that cursed school she saw Utena in the distance.  
That wasn’t true. She spent months looking for her, but that didn’t matter, so it hadn’t happened. Besides, what’s a few months for her? 

When they saw each other there was no guilt, no anger, no pain. Just pure joy.  
They ran, then they hugged and kissed and it felt so natural, so simple that Anthy couldn’t believe she’d let herself doubt even for a second that she’d find her, doubt if Utena would take her back, doubt if they were made for each other. They were, now she knew that for sure, but they’d also made each other. Utena took an empty shell, a shadow of her former self and filled her again with laughter and hope.  
And in return she’d made Utena her brother’s pawn. This did matter, so it had happened, over and over in her mind. This wasn’t the whole truth, of course, but Anthy was human enough to catastrophize sometimes.  
The whole truth was, she couldn’t have made it out alone. Neither of them would have. Especially not how they were before they’d met: raw, unmade. 

So they continued to make each other, and themselves.  
Anthy still loved gardening, so she grew produce to eat and flowers to sell. All different shapes and colors, their garden a symphony of smells. Not a single rose in sight.  
Utena helped the neighbors mostly. She watched their kids and got them groceries and drove them into town whenever they needed. They wanted to be normal, so they had jobs, but the last thing they wanted was to make their life harder than it needed to be. Making a car appear, like it had always been there, was child’s play to her, so she did. 

They pushed their beds together and when they looked in each other’s eyes before falling asleep, it wasn’t upside down, it wasn’t wrong anymore. 

They didn’t talk much, but they never had. They never needed to. 

Utena went to work one day and when he returned it was clear something had changed. No, not changed. Bubbled up from the depths. Snapped into place after years of clattering misaligned, just out of reach.  
“Anthy, I...” He trailed off looking down.  
“I know. I see you.” she answered with a hand on his cheek, gently guiding his eyes back up to meet hers.  
And she did see him. Sometimes in the grip of his arm when he helped up a child that had fallen, when they came over to play in the garden. In the curve of his smile when she caught him looking at her while she made dinner. 

“What do you want?” She asked him one night when they were laying in bed, both unable to sleep. The stars shone too brightly that night, too much like the flickering light of a projector.  
“I want you to cut my hair,” he responded without hesitation, like he’d just been waiting for her question to form the answer in his mind.  
So she does. And they bury it in the garden, and the daisies turn pink.

She asks again and again. Each time she gets a quiet, but certain answer. And so she remakes Utena piece by piece into what he was always meant to be. She puts her hands on his chest and they can both feel the deja vu. They don’t say it out loud, but then again, they never need too. Besides, the similarities are superficial. There’s no audience here, nothing distracting them, nothing to get lost in except their eyes. Their bed. She leaves the scars, an artist's signature. and later, trailing kisses against them she knows she’ll never be lost again. 

“You remind me so much of him sometimes.”  
“Him?” Utena asks, scared that his guess might be right.  
“Dios.” Not Akio, she doesn’t add, because they don’t say his name.  
Still, Utena shudders.  
“He wasn’t always like that, you know,” She continues, “He truly was a prince once. And the world has missed him since he’s been gone.”  
“Do you think it’s him? Taking... taking over my body, like...”  
Like during the duels, but they never spoke that word either. He sounds honest and scared.  
“Does it feel like that?” She asks, for Utena's sake because she already knows the answer. So does he, so she doesn’t wait for him to say it.  
“It’s all you. I’m sure of that. In fact the reason I'm sure he’s really gone is because you’re here. There couldn’t ever be two of you.”  
“Aren’t you sad? That he’s gone?”  
“He’s been gone for so long now, I've had my time to grieve. I’d lost hope of him ever coming back long before i met you, I was just too weak to admit it. Now you’re here, and you’re so bright, and you’re going to be wonderful.”  
Powerful, she doesn’t say. We’re going to be so powerful. And they will be. Because they were the balance, and if the scales are fighting there can be no balance. 

It's better this way. He was so tired by the end, and the seeds of everything that happened had been hibernating right under his skin for so long. He was jealous of her, because she’d always been stronger. So he broke her and trapped her and pushed her down until she was nothing.  
Now she gets a second chance. With an equal. Not to change the world but to keep it tethered. To smooth over the rough edges. To make it brighter and stronger and happier wherever needed. And perhaps this time, they can be a part of this world too, and make each other happier and stronger as well.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like the more sleep deprived i am the better i write. This was written at 7 am after not sleeping all night during a week of the worst insomnia i've had in years, and I'm really proud of it. I've edited it since, but feel free to point out any typos.  
> I feel like I have to mention the two WIPs i talked about in the comments on my last fic, I'm still working on them but I can't really control where inspiration strikes, and I've also started an Old Guard fic that's pretty close to finished so that'll probably show up sooner.


End file.
